I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
