So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
