I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
