He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm getting married
To pizza
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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