Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
