Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
