I didn't shave. On purpose
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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