Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
