I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
