if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
