I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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