Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
