If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
