Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
