oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
