the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
And then my night got REAL pukey
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
