Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
