gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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