Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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