apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
