Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
