I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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