i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
