took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
