i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
