Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
