i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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