I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
