I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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