Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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