Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
