1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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