literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
There's a naked man in my car right now.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
