so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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