My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
