Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
