i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
