allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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