I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
