I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
