My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he was CRYING into my vagina
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
