My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
