I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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