I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
