I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
