Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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