I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
