I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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