My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Randomize
