so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
