puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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