I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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