Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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